Hard-rockin' and bone-headed, it's Nickelback!

If we play loud, people might think we're good," Squidward declares in my favorite "SpongeBob SquarePants" episode, "Band Geeks."

When concertgoers arrived Tuesday evening at Blossom Music Center for the sold-out Nickelback show, signs at the gates warned of sound levels in excess of 85 decibels, roughly as noisy as a busy city street.

Personally, I would've preferred the busy city street.

The signs mentioned nothing about prolonged exposure to mediocre hard-rock anthems, bludgeoning power ballads and vapid lyrics, all of which Nickelback delivered ad nauseam over the course of a 90-minute performance.

After crowd-warming sets by Daughtry and Staind, Nickelback opened with "Animals," an up-tempo ode to sex in cars. Singer-guitarist Chad Kroeger, his bass-playing half-brother Mike, guitarist Ryan Peake and drummer Daniel Adair went about their business with a workmanlike attitude. If they weren't multiplatinum superstars, you easily could imagine them checking your tire pressure.

Of course, Kroeger probably would overinflate. He yelped every word! As! If! His! Life! Depended! On! It!

Lyrics to the breakthrough hit "How You Remind Me" and other tunes flashed on a TelePrompTer at Kroeger's feet, with key words almost comically set in bold ("Never made it / As a wise man") for added emphasis.

"We need to start our next [expletive] tour here," Kroeger said, basking in the adulation of 21,000-plus fans who more or less validated the Squidward theory.

Alongside "Photograph," "Far Away," "Someday" and other blustery crowd-pleasers with ample lowest-common-denominator appeal, the Canadian quartet ripped through a bar-band-worthy cover of Elton John's "Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting," with vocals by Peake.

During the encore, the Nickelback original "Rockstar" rattled off a list of rock 'n' roll cliches as career goals.

Mission accomplished, dudes.

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