Okay
This Is The Re-Make Because I Started This Story And Couldnt Find It.I Put It Under My Old Story.That Didnt Work Out ,So I Started Fixing My Mistakes.Asked For Some Advice So I Could Work On It

So With That Advice I Started Pleasure The Story. Let Me Introduce The Main Characters Then Ill Bring In The Intro.

Main Characters
Keymah Smith (You)18

Marcus Cooper19

Spectacular 20

Corey Blue 20

Diamond Blue 21

This Morning I Woke Up.Rubbed My Dry Eye's,Flipped My Blanket Over.I Stood Up,Walked In My Bathroom.Stripped Of My Bajama's,And Walked Into The Shower..I Stepped Out When I Was Finished In The Shower.Dried My Body,Lotioned My Body.And Dressed In This Outfit
http://www.drjays.com/shop/G1-V433-R375-P447872/akademi...w-5-pocket-stud.html
These Shoes..
http://www.shoeblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/scoo...ite-ballet-flats.JPG

But Before I Put My Shirt On I Brushed My Teeth,And Washed My Face.Then I Styled My Hair,Striaght Down..No Curls Just Straght Down.After All Of What Seemed Like Forever Dressing I Still Had One Thing To Do,Jewelry.
You Wore
These Earrings..
http://coderdx.com/Projects/underdarock/images/remymapapoose.JPG

Necklaces..
http://blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/hilliard.jpg
Maybe Two Gold Chains.

Braclets..
Some Bangles.

And 3 XO Bracletes.

You Grabbed The Coach Bag, Picked Up Your Cell Phone Called TieShawnna ,And Headed Over To Her House.

Okay That's The Intro Let Me Know What Yall Think Secondly,I Need Some Characters..

Bumpsz....

I Guess..For More Comments I Got To Add Now..Because I Had 3Times The Veiws Then I Had Comments.Ill Add You Soon Mooke..Who You Wana Be With.

I Walk Out The House.Slid,And Sat In My Car.Then Drove To TieShawnna's House,And When I Got Their I Stepped Out My Car,Approached Her House ,Rang The Door Bell.


Come In,Shawnna Said.

I Walk In.

So What's Up,I Said.

Shit Nothin The Boys I'll Be Here Soon,She Said.

I Dont Care,I Said.

You Know You Cant Wait To See Yo Boo,Shawnna Said.

Who,I Said.

Please Dont Play Dumb With Me,Shawnna Said.

Okay..Well That Aint My Boo He's My Friend,I Said.

Wait Til' That Boy Walk Through The Door,Shawnna Said.

And What,I Said.

You Gone Be To Lovey Dovey To Control Yah Self,Shawnna Said.

In Comes..
Marcus

Diamond

Corey

Spectacular

So Im In The Kitchen,Getting Something To Drink.In Comes Marcus..

Wassup Keymah,He Said.

How You Doin Marcus,I Said.

Info! Italized/Slanted Words Are Thoughts.

Marcus Wrapps His Arms Around Keymah.
And I Squinch My Eye's As I Take A Sip Of Juice.

Damn I Love When He Touches Me,Keymah.

What You Drinkin,He Said.

I Held It Up To His Nose.

Ooooh!,He Said.

Yeah,I Said.

I Close The Frigerator.And Marcus Put Me On The Conter.And Just Started Talking,Nothin Important.Soon We Lef Out Of The Kitchen,And Went To Go Sit On The Couch.

Okay That's The Second Add I Need Some More Comment's .

This message has been edited. Last edited by: PRINCEZ_LILAZ,

i like it was a good start.
BUMPZ 2 DA FULLEST
BUMPS 2 THE FULLEST
BUMPZ
BUMPS
bumpz 2 da fullest
bumps to the fullest
bumpz
bumps

Okay..I Need More Comments Then This To Make Another Add

Dont Just Come Through The Story And Dont Comment..Cause If You Have Intentions On Comiing Back,Theirs Not Gone To Be An Add.So Please Make A Comment When You Come Through Cause Everyday All Day Im On So I Make Add's All Day.

BUMPZ 2 DA FULLEST
BUMPS 2 THE FULLEST
BUMPZ
BUMPS
bumpz 2 da fullest
bumps to the fullest
bumpz
bumps

BUMPZ!!!

Soon As Yall Sat Down, Marcus Leaned Over Was Looking Me In My Face,With His Big Beautiful Brown Eye's.Started Persueding Me On A Date..[/COLOR

So Like I Usually Do I Ask Him His Intentions,He Explained His Self.I Understood,And Agreed.So Yeah We Had A Date.At This Dance Club,Strictly Dancing With Marcus.

Note Today Is Thursday He Wants To Go Friday.

Shawnna You Stay With Boys In This House,I Said.

Im Lonely,Shawnna Said.

Well You Know You Can Call On Me,I Said.

Ill Start Calling You More Often Then,Shawnna Said.

Okay It's A Plan,I Said.

We Can Do Something Saturday Since You Got A Date Tomorrow.

Shut Up,I Said.

What,She Said.

Minding My Damn Bussiness,I Said.

Diamond Turned On Shawnna Ipod Radio.Knowing Shawnna Her And Keymah Liked The Same Music..Remy,Foxy,T.I,And Mary J. So As Soon As He Turned It On,Keymah And Shawnna Was Rapping.

Soon After It Started Getting Late You Drove Home,Safely Hopeing Marcus Would Call That Night.

Theirs Your Add Ladies Now I Need My Comments.

BUMPZ 2 DA FULLEST
BUMPS 2 THE FULLEST
BUMPZ
BUMPS
bumpz 2 da fullest
bumps to the fullest
bumpz
bumps
BUMPZ 2 DA FULLEST
BUMPS 2 THE FULLEST
BUMPZ
BUMPS
bumpz 2 da fullest
bumps to the fullest
bumpz
bumps

Okay feeling it but a quick few suggestions.
Bajama's=Pajama's
And when typing you monoluge do this.
"Kiss me darling" Angelo said.
[Thats was an example]
Use quotation marks or you conversation will be expressed as thoughts or just whats going on in the certain part.

When I Got Home All I Wanted To Do Was Lay Down,I Walked Upstaires Undressed And Put On My Pajama's.I Hoped Under My Soft Sheets.Picked Up The Remote,Turned On The T.V..Waiting For Marcus To Call Was Tiring.So I Turned Off The T.v,Turned On My Side And Closed My Eye's.And That's When He Called.

"Didnt Think I Was Gone Call"He Said.

"Yeah All Guy's Call Late At Night"I Said.

"Dont Start To Think That"He Said

"Whatever"Keymah Said.

We Talked A Little More.

"Im Gone Sing You Good Night Okay"He Said

"Cool"I Said.

Marcus Voice Was So Sweet And Soft.He Was The Perfect Guy For Keymah.

Damn This Guy Is Bad.

"Now Im Gone Let You Get Your Beauty Rest"He Said

"Okay Ill See You Tomorrow Marcus"I Said.

"Alright Baby"He Said.

Please Call Me That One More Time.

Next Day

I Woke Up,Got Out Of The Covers,And Cleaned.After I Cleaned I Started Breakfast. Then I Heard A Knock At The Door.

"What You Doin Here"I Said.

"Im Gone Make You Breakfast"Marcus Said.

"And Your Eatiing Right No"I Said.

"Im Makiing Breakfast For You"He Said.

"Come In Fool"I Said.

"Why I Gotta Be A Fool"He Said.

"Because You Come Up In Here With A Bagel In Your Mouth With Yah Sandles,Shorts,And Wife Beater"I Said.

"Whats Wrong With That"He Said.

"You Look Like A Hungry Fool"I Said

I Had To Laugh.

Marcus Walks Into My Kitchen,Grabbes Some Pots And Pans..And Then He Say's.

"You Can Go Get Dressed While I Cook"He Said.

"Okay"I Said.

I Go Upsataires,Walk In The Shower,Step Out,Brush My Teeth,Wash My Face,Style My Hair,And Dress..

I hope you know i wasnt trying to be mean i just wanted your story to be as close to perfect as you can get it =]

No Im Not Mad Im Appreciative.But I Need Some More Coments To Add.

Bumpz to tha max, its nice so far

Okay iim Not Getting Any Where With Coments ii Need Yall To Post Some More Comments.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: PRINCEZ_LILAZ,