It was a warm summer night. The air was hot and everybody was at a party while I was at home wishing I could be with the one nigga that I love Deandre...
For those of you who don't know Deandre was my first everything.. My first time, kiss and, first love...
But everything changed once that new girl at school from California came along..
all of a sudden he just changed... He stopped speaking to me and, he even started to ignore me. But I know im going to get him back. I have to get him back. Cause i'll be damned if they last any longer he'z mine and all mine.. And alwayz will be..

lots of grammatical errors.
sentence structure, punctuation, parallelism, etc.

CANN YAW PWEAZE CRiTiQUE ME?

Bump I like it.

quote:

Originally posted by 12.o8 ; the sexy seventeenth.:
lots of grammatical errors.
sentence structure, punctuation, parallelism, etc.

MK SO WUR ARE DEY SO I CA FiX'EM?

& also your word choice is boring.

quote:

Originally posted by damonika09:
Bump I like it.

UM THANK U !

quote:

Originally posted by 12.o8 ; the sexy seventeenth.:
& also your word choice is boring.

SO WHAT TYPE OF WORDZ SHUD i USE EXAMPLES PLEASE?

UM UPZ.

Quick suggestion the 'z' when it should be an 's' is a bad idea. When you write don't use computer slang. Spice it up a little.

Yeah she is right. Dont use slang write it like you want an A plus.
and use details. Describe the person you are talking about.
All of them Deandre the nameless girl from california and you.

quote:

Originally posted by Can YOU handle THIS:
Quick suggestion the 'z' when it should be an 's' is a bad idea. When you write don't use computer slang. Spice it up a little.

THANKZ A BUNCH I'LL B SURE TA "SPiCE" iT UP!
LOL!

_{I agree with all of the advice above .
I overall think you should write in STANDARD English , completely standard .
All the time actually . . .}

quote:

Originally posted by Demi . Excelled ; 21:
_{I agree with all of the advice above .
I overall think you should write in STANDARD English , completely standard .
All the time actually . . .}

MK THANKZ!

quote:

MK SO WUR ARE DEY SO I CA FiX'EM?

quote:

It was a warm summer night. The air was hot and everybody was at a party while I was at home wishing I could be with the one nigga that I love Deandre...

That sentence is boring. It leaves room for a lot of detail. You could actually take that one sentence and make it a good opening paragraph. Also, sentences end in periods not an ellipsis.

quote:

For those of you who don't know Deandre was my first everything..

Comma after " know " and once again, the ellipsis.

quote:

My first time, kiss and, first love...

This isn't a complete sentence and my bad if it was supposed to go with the other. You could leave it like that if you're working with a dialect or whatev but you would need to move the comma after " and " to before " and. "

quote:

But everything changed once that new girl at school from California came along..

My fifth grade teacher told me to never start a sentence with "but". It's possible, especially in dialect writing which you might be using, but most of the time people don't do it right. Besides the ellipsis, I don't even know how to tell you to correct this because I can't pinpoint what's wrong. But my person opinion is that " However, everything changed once the new Californian student came along. " or " Everything changed once the new girl from California moved to our school. "

quote:

all of a sudden he just changed... He stopped speaking to me and, he even started to ignore me.

Capitalize the All, period after changed. Comma goes before the and.

quote:

But I know im going to get him back. I have to get him back. Cause i'll be damned if they last any longer he'z mine and all mine.. And alwayz will be..

Capitalize I'll. Okay, and what exactly is " they " referring to in that sentence. I completely lost that part. Ghetto writing is also a nono, the whole " z " in he's and always. Nahhh. Period after longer. Remove the ellipsis. I don't think " and always will be " should be by itself. It doesn't have a noun or whatev. You could actually get rid of the but and cause to get a more dramatic effect but that's only if you're going for that look.

lksjflasjf.
okay.
done with english class.
LMFAO.